Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You ruined the universe
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
