Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
