my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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