so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
