did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
