So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
