Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
