You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
