I think im going to throw up on grandma
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She even gives head with a lisp.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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