i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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