I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
