my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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