he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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