I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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