so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
