I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
