Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
