dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
