You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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