I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
