there's paper in my vomit.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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