every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
