i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
