She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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