WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
