Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
