It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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