I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
