when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
