You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
