So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
