remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We had sex on a dog bed..
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
