And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
