Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
