so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
