I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Randomize
