WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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