Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
