Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Holy shit dude........stairs
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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