Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
