I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
