i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
cat food counts as protein by the way
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
