you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
