You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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