i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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