I smell stomach acid.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
