I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
