is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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