u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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