I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
