It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Randomize
