I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
